Growing up and pipe dreams and Hiddlebum and Bumblebutt Cabinetlatch

My disposition has improved slightly; I have been listening to a lot of Ariana Grande. She is surprisingly talented and her spin on pop is kinda cute and she is projecting maturity through her songs and hopefully not go through a 'Dirrty' phase. I quite like who she is right now. 

I believe that I have outgrew several things in my life. The obsession with hot young youtubers (especially Jack and Finn Harries), hot boyband people, I mean I still like them, though my once fire-red 'love' for them has now turned a dull-ish mellow shade of pink. I am quite fine with that, though I'd probably fall in love with them again if they wrote better songs that aren't all so poppy and cheerful. Something from the heart would be nice. 

I have also discovered that I have a fondness for British men in their thirties (Tom Hiddleston and Benedict Cumberbatch) It's quite annoying really, they never seem to leave my head. I am to be in England soon (InsyaAllah) and I can't wait to see plays and musicals in London! (Especially those starring those two). I also would like to be involved in theatre (mostly scriptwriting or acting) but one has to start from the bottom. So whatever really, I just want to work in the theatre to get a taste of it. And of course to be in law. I'd love to be a lawyer someday... But the stage... 

It's always been a dilemma of mine really... I was always unable to determine if me wanting to act and being in the film business was only a pipe dream or something I really wanted. I always told myself I'd never know if I didn't have a taste of what either career could offer. In other news, I have a pimple on my ear and I bought a booklight. That is all that is new. Bye i guess bye all i love you all two/one of you

What people do when they are bored

I'm currently in a library studying for law. 

Boring isn't it? 

No. Not at first. You're extremely geared up for it for about 20 minutes and after that it's just boring and all this silence just makes you sleepy... Concentration is a state of mind and honestly I'm never in it for very long. Another hour to go in the library and honest to God I can't bear the thought of studying economics-- but since my recent failure(s) in my A-level exams I don't think I have a choice. Economics isn't my favourite subject because it incorporates mathemical and analytical logic into social theory. It uses Mathematics and graphs to proove social theories. (All so VERY, VERY fun) 

Though I much prefer law or literature, economics does hold its own by actually being rather interesting (on days when I feel like thinking and using my brain). And its amazing for uni applications so who knows? I might actually realise this before it's too late and maybe do better than I ever expected! Insya Allah. (It means God willing) So, I'm stopping myself from stopping myself from progressing. Auf Wiedersehen (correct me if I'm wrong) interweb! 

The Cyclical Romance

Hello! The poems are back. I normally write free verse because I can't be arsed to seek words that rhyme. Voila! This one came from watching many films and me feeling grief that was thrown upon me by people I've never me-- Yes. Nevermind. Enjoy :) 

Love makes me weak 

makes me whole 

Love makes me wish

for nothing but your cruel soul

Love whispers and speaks of you

With absolute admiration 

Love weakened me

Opened me 

To you.

Love succeeded. I was entrapped.

When you knew you had victory,

I was no longer

The sunrise of your day at noon.

I was no longer 

The 'claire de lune' of your starry nights

When you liked to be especially French.

Love was never this painful,

Never this harsh,

Love was never anything,

Before I loved you. 

A Period of Piety and Patience

Good lorddddd. I have been too emotionally uneventful and fat-arsed lazy to be creative and use my thumbsss to type. However now, I feel its time where things are piling up again and I want to retch. Right, if you're a Muslim, you're probably quite tired, though you feel slightly purer than before or just more religious. It's *drumroll* Ramadhan!! Around twenty days too late about the announcement but the novelty of the situation blurred the hunger and fatigue. Now, its gotten to be a routine and I'm pretty knackered. And it is only... 8.50 in the morning. However in this month we may be more tired, but we are more thankful and aware of what we have. 

I just thought of fluffy pancakes and syrup. 

MOVING ON. 

I realise I have not been so studious and the little type A bookworm in me is screaming in pain as she sees what I do with my spare time (watching the food network) while people are doing worthwhile things with their lives I am plotting dinner menus for the family. 

In the last ten days of Ramadhan I have been feeling more fatigued than usual (Ramadhan usual) I'm finding it more and more difficult to actually focus and do what I'm supposed to do; like pray 5 times a day, study, basically I'm finding it difficult to go about my (ideal) preferred routine. It's less difficult in non-Ramadhan time, obviously. 

In case you didn't know, in Ramadhan it is believed and relied upon that satan is locked away and that there shall be no encouragement of bad deeds. Also the angels and the souls of the deceased are allowed to roam around. So even with satan locked away I'm still comitting sins like oversleeping till I miss subuh (early morning prayer that must be done before sunrise) and not feeling a higher degree of remorse for it. 

It has been worrying me, I've been thinking that I'm some lost cause and the devil resides within me and I will perish in hell for all eternity. This is when I get a little terrified and go conduct my prayers. I have missed subuh this morning and I am allowed to qada' (replace) in the next session of prayers so to speak; which is Zohor (afternoon prayers). It isn't time yet so I am free. 

So Eid is almost here and I'm fat. Shocker, shocker. But I am very excited for Eid but a little sad that only three people remembered I was a Muslim and was about celebrate my religious holiday and wished me. I'm not entitled to respect, it's just called courtesy and manners. So yeah. Everyone's kind of being an asshat. Im going to stop typing and ranting; Happy Hari Raya!! 

*Once again, it's happening...*

*cue Lykke Li's song* 

Its happened again, it's a horrible thing, where I ignore the inevitable and fantasise about the idyllic unlikely. Honestly, I'm starting to view it as a coping mechanism  for my lackluster, physically dull though -- mentally adventurous life.

In other words nothing much happens to me in the way that I want them to happen. 

Like my bloody personal life. I somewhat suck at being interesting or rememberable, at best. Though, it's a process with me. At the beginning of most friendships I will appear at every cornerstone you see with a smile and an unwanted opinion to further assert why I should be your friend by implying that I am well-read, easygoing, and (I'd like to think so) funny or witty. There, there you have very desirable qualities in which you would like and eventually enjoy and later tolerate; in a friendship. However do they last? Even if they do, they're more or less ordinary. Like you would find them in any person at the beginning of a budding friendship; it isn't all that rare or unique to find someoene who is easygoing and pleasant and elegantly humouros... AT FIRST. If the friendship is mutual (this is has often been the idyllic situation in my life, though it has happened a few times; I'm not a total loser) its probably the best kind of friendship between two equals who equally (most times) adore each other. However, insecurity in one, or both could actually cloud the obvious but unspoken truth that they actually enjoy each others company and opinion (occasionally). This happens to me a lot, where I have played both parts. I have been the limpet of a friend who is like a shadow to the other and I have also been the friend who gets her shit done on her own and has friends to hang out with when I want to (only several times; sadly I am not pretty enough to be a cool lone wolf with homies) 

And then, when it's budding, you start to be a little more honest, and straightforward, and I personally will start to distance myself from any further affection. (Yes, I actually do that) and then when they catch on, I begin to feel neglected (Coming to realise why I only have like 5 friends) and I start being needy again and after that saga, honesty begins and only after that I actually start being friends with someone. (Coming to realise why it took me two years to actually be comfortable with one person)

Another misfortune is that the friends I want to see are really far away, and two phrases come to mind. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' and 'Out of sight and out of mind'. So far, with a few friends, the latter phrase applies. 

Basically I was insecure about a lot of things and that made me doubt and degrade my value as a thinking human being. After being at boarding school, I learnt independence and began to enjoy my newly gained solitude and independence from my family and usual friends that I had temporarily left behind. I became a little less dependent of people I had just met, though after graduating over a year later, I returned to my old habits where I become mousey and less expressive with my opinions. Though, come to think of it, I don't think I was ever brave. But the point was me becoming more adventurous and daring because I'm rather tired of being ignored and being walked over because I'm too S  H Y to speak my mind. I should never cease to keep quiet and reserved. Sometimes I should keep quiet, but I think I may possibly it too often. 

Right so I only ever blog when I'm in an existential crisis. So, it felt nice to vent and to verbally motivate myself to be a little more expressive :) Yeeeaaah! Yay expression of feelings of thoughts! Woohoo! Probably would be more effective and genuine if I hadn't...used sarcasm....

Now, a very Marcus Butler adieu for you. 

BYYYYEEEEEEEE *awkward hand gestures* 

Nothing of Importance

I have very little to say, which is rather uncommon of me. I always have some skewered perspective to share with people who seem not to care or people who don't actually have the patience to follow my train of thought. Todays topic is TRAVELLING! I have always loved the idea of being abroad and seeing new sights and generally, just being away from my usual scene. It's honestly good fun when you're with friends or family and you're all away on vacation and you get to see new things. I haven't done that in a while and it makes me rather sad. Mostly because it's rather pricy to transport a large family across a country and everyone seems to have something going on that delays the trip. But we are going away soon and even though it's not very far it's still a vacation to some place we've never been. I sincerely hope that I get to feel happy again. Travelling as a form of escapism... In literal truth it kind of is but what I feel, I think is more spiritual *burns incense and meditates ironically* I guess the feeling that I get to be somewhere new is nice and I get to explore and be a tourist and have people offer me nice things. I mostly want to leave my country and live elsewhere but there is always that tiny voice in my head that tells me I will in fact miss my country one day. It never said I would regret it though. So I remain optimistic about it. Another thing is that I sort of resent my past and I tend to look back on my awkwardest moments and marinate in my own embarassment. My past times. Great. I'll probably end up insecure and confused all my life. And in my head, migrating and creating a new life is a way for me to escape my past [I wasn't troubled or anything I just have a lot of awkward moments with a lot of people in a small-ish country where everyone is so well-connected for some reason] Compared to other peoples problems, mine don't seem so bad. I'll live with them and ignore all of them forever. Yay! Another form of escapism!

The Jam-Packed Day

So, I am at an airport now, and truth be told, I have missed hanging around airports pretending I'm some lost tourist. The things I don't miss are the... screaming babies, suspicious looking actual tourists ermm...yes that seems to be about it. Though in general, I love airports because it makes me feel independent and -- I CAN'T STOP LOOKING AT THIS FAMILY SITTING NEXT TO ME IN A RESTAURANT (Granted, it's KFC but I like to think I'm some sort of classy lady) It's an adorable one, an interracial marriage actually. I happen to love those (Do I want one? Yes most likely) He, is a Middle-Eastern man who is married to an Oriental woman (Chinese, Taiwanese, Hongkie) and they have such adorable little POLITE and QUIET children. After they left and I, had a small burger for a big amount of cash, left for the gates.

Now, I arrive at the gates an hour before my plane arrives and I start reading my book, quite happily. Though, about 20 minutes before the departure they still have not called us to board. So no one thought it would be important to tell the passengers that there was going to be a delay. Fantabulous. 

And this lady next to me, kept a good book in her husbands backpack and only to whip out the fifty shades darker novel and I mentally flipped. I mean like IN AN AIRPORT???! Lady, keep it in your rucksack. So, long story short, I eventually got on the wretched plane. While cringing mentally. 

You know of the no electronics being on during take off and landing rule right, so I switched my phone off because I am a good citizen. But my laptop wasn't specifically 'off' it was on 'sleep'. It was in my backpack in the overhead compartment and throughout the first half hour of the flight I basically imagined the plane not being able to take off, my laptop exploding or the plane basically free-falling through the sky because my laptop was not 'turned off'. Yeah. But I survived because I lived to tell the tale of a never-ending paranoia that is my blessed life. 

Then, I went to get a taxi to go to my school. I noticed a 'city taxi' counter and I immediately noticed that it was cheaper than the airport taxi. And I am happy that I am being more economical. Go me! 

So the cabbie is an alright man though his pronounciation is a little dodgy. That should've been the first sign. The place I was headed to was called 'Mantin' though my cabbie heard 'Banting' which sounds annoyingly similar. And WONDERFULLY FOR ME, they are at the opposite ends of the state... So I discover the error just 10 kilometers before Banting and we end up turning back and asking a taxi driver resting on the side of the road. He knew the way, lucky us! Haha. Hah. Ha.

Though my cabbie kept reminding me of the mistake... Which got pretty annoying. And he kept turning his window down and asking people in their cars where the college was located. Hey, at least I got to be where I needed to be. An hour later. Thanks to Malaysia also for bad signage. 

So when I got to my college it was really nice and it felt as though I never left. Which felt weird because I hadn't been there for almost a year. But nonetheless, I felt at home and it was me returning to somewhere I loved and missed so much. Though save one awkward moment when I had to hang out with a bunch of people I wasn't too close to. Though I did meet a buddy's boyfriend. So that was nice :) 

In other words I was having a good time and I did not want to leave anytime soon. Time came faster than the warming of my heart and the dissipation of my troubles while I was basking in the depths of simple comfort and happiness my friends offered me. I had missed them so much. It is impossible to isolate and neglect how happy I was when I was there. So, if I were to ever conjure a Patronus Charm I'd probably use some memories from my visit or my stay in the school. 

However, despite meeting most of my friends, I failed to meet my French teacher and the teacher that helmed the trip to the USA. That, I regret quite heavily. 

It's been a long day, and I managed to get a 10% discount of Lindt Lindor chocolate which was yummy and still yummy after 6 pieces of chocolates. And me and my sisters had an actual conversation with le père. Unusual and pleasant surprise! Then I got home to eat and finish this story. With some (a lot) of food. Cuz that's just the way I do it. 

Peace out suckers.

No, that's not really me. Okay yeah Goodnight everyone. [I suspect I am talking to no one, but I am able to imagine I have many people reading my blog] Goodnight....

Unearthing My Buried Troubles

I have never spoken of my boarding school experience. Never. Not once here.  It has always been something that I hold dear and I fear that I hold a small but condensed portion of my past too dearly and closely. I feel I need to loosen my ironclad grip and not isolate them as my sole happy memory. Now, it is all I think about, and I have now been gone for a year. It is slightly dangerous that I think of the past so much, weaving dead dreams and lost hopes into it that it turns into a fully imagined and fantasised memory. I want to be able to create new memories worthy of my looking back on them but I am rather unhappy in my current school; for many valid reasons. I seem to put certain memories and people on pedestals and I wish to do that no more. It is detrimental to my own happiness putting it in something that no longer exists. I've watched enough movies and read enough books to know that what I am going to do is difficult but it is the right thing. 

Sorry to sound like such a complete emotional wreck but honestly no one has the time to listen or they have better things to do like fluff pillows and re-fold towels. Or grating their forehead. Oookay. Bye...

This is not a poem

Yes I realise I've been rather poetic. I sort of take pride in that. Though, there is one thing that I cannot be proud of. 

I can't type fast.

It's more horrid than you might think and I'm right handed so I basically use my left hand at a limited amount. Yes, I feel bad for my left hand. Yes; I feel bad that I am not ambidextrous. 

Moving on, I have just one examination left and I am not going to talk a lot about on the matter. Save for the fact that I feel like I have literally gone blank on the topic and my exam is tomorrow. 

Brilliant. 

In other news, I am addicted to Sherlock [the tv series, and the films]. I have yet to start on the books, though I've already bought the entire collection. Good times lie before me. 

The other thing which occurs every night is my evergrowing paranoia of someone behind my house. [Just a little nugget of information, I'm live-blogging about this]. I hear sounds that might not even be suspicious in the daylight; but the fact that they are at night makes me think of the most horrible things. Ok done with that. Partially. I will just suppress my paranoia like a normal person. And will probably live with a mental illness later in life. Though I refuse to look on the bad side. [anymore]. 

Random Thoughts That Popped Into My Head While Writing 

- Benedict Cumberbacth is an excellent specimen of ASS like DAAAYYUUMM.

- God dammit he should play Lord Goring [from the play An Ideal Husband] if there is to be a film one day!

And that concludes my nuance for tonight thank you for being here you were a terrific audience! Silent! Just the way people behave when I tell an 'interesting' story! 

Goodnight...! 

Our Parting

It's so refreshing to be alone

I no longer look forward to your criticism.

I no longer look forward to your approval.

I believe I am quite content in solitude. 

All because I outgrew you

And your age-old tactics

They are so sweet; but I couldn't take 

Too much of a good thing. 

You must keep them 

For those who wish to flourish in your company. 

Like the falling leaves in autumn,

I didn't fall because I chose to,

I fell because it was time to

We needed to grow on our own.

And I believe; our parting was a gift,

To being happy on our own. 

Of You and I

I stand alone

At the cliff of my world's end

The waves thrash against rocks

As sharp as your wit 

As misleading as the lies I loved

I lean back because I know better

I do not want to meet my end.

But, beneath the waves,

Your face glimmers beneath it

Your arms are wide and they are open

Someone to catch me

When I fall

My poor heart fills with all that is heavenly 

My young mind dances to the thought

Of You and I.

As I fall faster and further to you,

I see that my poor heart has been deceived.

It will always be quick to believe you

And your lies

That I cannot help;

But at least now,

It will not believe anything anymore.

Dreaming When You're Down

It is almost like a cure to a wound, 

or a painkiller to counter the brief agony Dreaming when you're down. 

You don't necessarily intend to live the dream; 

but the knowledge that a better future awaits 

seems so comforting. 

An amalgamation of the wonderful

but impossible turn of events. 

The dream hugs you 

and strokes you on your withered back, touches you on your tear-stained cheek.     Then it tells you,

with its soft fingers

caressing your chin,

'It's a beautiful dream you dreamt' 

and nothing else. 

What else can you get when you dream a dream that cannot be lived?

An old lover coming round the bend with-Roses! In his hands and an apology! 

in his-- teary eyes? 

But what next? 

It's sadness 

for the happiness you've never got

Though for some

Once was one time too much

And you, retreated into the darkness

Into the dream you dreamt

And I, the lonely heart am left 

In your darkness

In the dream you dreamt. 

Carra, The Enterprise and a half done economics paper

Right, so the title pretty much sums up my whole day. Also, interesting fact... The power was out! From about 10.30 to about 3.30 the power was out and it was driving me out of my mind. Lucky for us, it wasn't too hot! 

Today, Jamie Carragher plays his last match for Liverpool. I was rather emotional at the start. I mean, I watched him growing up. He was always there, making scoring a goal difficult for strikers. Liverpool without him is almost like Manchester United without Sir Alex. I would compare Carra to Bill Shankly, but frankly I wouldn't know. I certainly wasn't around for Shankly's reign. Though, he's one awesome man, (an understatement, I know). But Carra and Sir Alex have been solid figures in both their clubs and they're both (along with Scholes) are retiring, which marks a huge change in both clubs. Sure, players come and go, but Jamie Carragher came, and he stayed till the end of his career. Quite like Sir Alex. Legends, the both of them. Freaking awesome men. It will be very odd not to see his name on the team sheets next season. Thanks Carra. 

On to the Enterprise. I have made it explicitly clear that I want to watch the second Star Trek film solely because of Benedict Cumberbatch. I've seen part of the first one and I must say I do quite enjoy it. It's a cool franchise, one that I used to think as a Star Wars spin off (please nobody kill me). Now I am quite excited to see the rest of the film and of course the second one! I nearly cried in the first ten minutes of the film; who wouldn't really? The fact that he can laugh just seconds before his inevitable death-- made my heart shrink a little okay. Love Star Trek so far.

Obviously with all of this going on, econs would lose the battles. So it was The Enterprise over The Infaltion rate of country whatever and it was Carra over whatever topic I was trying to read. 

Regrets will be expressed in silent repressed agony in the exam hall. Goodnight all.xx

Days where I feel like my life is going nowhere

Hey internet! (Signature danisnotonfire opening line). This is my second day on the diet and I am feeling funny. Funny, because I'm managing. So, I feel fine, I'm still not compelled to exercise; don't know when I'll ever be. Yes, so I'm okay! I stuffed myself at lunch. But now, I have applied the same philosophy Dr. Sonya said to Lily when she was pregnant. So technically, I can eat between meals, only (this must be read in a Slavic-ish accent)

"Just a little bit" 

It is actually working! I am so happy! Diets really don't last long for me. Shorter than I care to admit. Right. Okay. I have just completed three A-Level papers and the next one is in three days. I have yet to do any studying because my future means so frickin much to me right now. I absolutely hate Econs. Yet I must ace it to get into university, which means a lot to me. Education is all I have. Literally. I have no other legitimate (admit it, fangirling and reading books and watching tv shows won't get me paid) form of fulfillment other than studying and knowing that I'm smart. Plus, the knowledge that someone somewhere has to hire me because they need me. And it's basically impossible to hire a dumb lawyer. I'm not dumb-ish, I'm of wonderful and witty above-average intelligence. (Yay for me!) *continues daydreaming till the day before exams* 

Not hungry, just bored.

I really just want to eat. And not exercise. And eat. I mean I am not totally unhealthy; I actually like fruits and vegetables... But to be deprived of the bad good stuff (i.e fries, meat, fish, bread, jam, peanut butter, cake-- it goes on) for TEN DAYS?? Where do I unsubscribe?

To make everything a little clearer, I am on a diet. A Korean man, has designed an organic replacement meal to have twice a day, (So, it's your breakfast and dinner, you can have whatever you want for lunch). You mix it with water and that's your meal. It's not awful tasting but it's not good tasting either. I guess for diet food, this is pretty okay. So, I started the dietary endeavour this morning and, the man on the box (the sachets come in boxes) said you wouldn't be hungry. And I wasn't. It does keep you full-ish, but then again, you don't only eat when you're hungry; you basically eat whenever you feel like it. So that's the actual challenge. Restraining yourself from eating. However to curb hunger pangs, you're allowed to eat raw or steamed fruits and vegetables. Nothing else. Nothing. Okay. I can do this. Sure I can. It's just self-control. 

The fact that everyone else is eating whenever and whatever they want is a little agonising. I plan to avoid all contact with people and study economics. And watch movies, tv shows and read books till I'm tired. This is going to last ten days. Nine more to go. And the fact that my grandmother is coming over just makes it worse. She loves to cook, moreover, she loves cooking for us. I do hope she understands these dietary stuff. It's all right really. There are ALWAYS leftovers. I'll make sure of it. 

I'm taking it simply because I cannot afford to gain anymore weight and predominantly, being this unhealthy. I mean being unhealthy takes a toll on a whole bunch of different things. It's not just not having low self-esteem because you aren't able to buy clothes you want. Things like participating in rigorous physical activities is reduced and somewhat embarassing because you're the unfittest of the lot. (I was always keen on football, rock climbing, snorkelling, martial arts) Oh! and dancing! But not like how the people in clubs do it. Easily, almost all of them are intoxicated with overconfidence and ballsy-ness. They're just basically tottering about the dance floor exclaiming gibberish. I meant dancing as something that was more along the lines of tango or modern dance or even zumba. Basically dancing with sober people who can actually dance. I mean did do some of those things, but it was still difficult because of my weight and low energy level. It was truly sad to know I was too big (physically) for something. Now.... 

I've just started and hunger pangs don't really happen that often. As I've said, its boredom that really gets you. So, if one is bored one shall not stuff thy face. 

Fanning the Flames

Hello. So I'm on my way to my first A-Level exam. That's great. I feel like an unarmed soldier fighting in a war he doesn't understand but is determined to win, without the one-way protection of ammunition and armour. I honestly can't think how I might get the result I want. So far, my average score for the objective bit of the paper is 20 out of 30 which is pretty bad. I've been high strung all week, and I'm trying to relax in the car now. It's working I guess. I just need to make sure I am in a good state of mind when I sit for it. Strangely, I have always seen this day as so elusive and almost like something that might happen. Now, I still think of it as something that might happen. Great.Brilliant. *Pulls self together* I'll do okay. I'll do just fine.

Harry Potter, Mothers Day and Living Simply.

I do believe sometimes, I can be.... 'Expensive and costly' They are my mothers words precisely. But honestly, is there something totally catastrophic and disastrous about being 'expensive and costly' at times? I mean, I rarely go for expensive meals. They are only moderately expensive and they happen once or twice a month. In those moments that I do get to go out, why not be lavish about it? It's only once a month. And I admit, that we eat simply at home, and it's all fine. My mother claims to be a 'simple woman'-- ok fine she is I'm the one with expensive taste but whatever really we're all human. It's just that I think she's in denial sometimes. 

Getting to the Harry Potter bit. Aren't you at least a tiny bit sad (if you're a Potterhead you look forward the releases, only to see that there are no more films, and then you start wishing; with spells obviously, to be a child again) that there are no more screenings of Harry Potter films? That means no more of going to the cinema and buying a ticket to see the film, no more looking forward to seeing how they've decided to do the dragons-- oh it's just terrible. I sincerely hope they re-release it in 3D just so I can enjoy looking forward to watching a Harry Potter film. The Mothers Day bit is just there only because I thought it up on Mothers Day. Happy Mothers Day! On this day my mother refuses to buy a cake (we have no money to buy her anything, the money we get is also from her and my dad, so there's really no point) I asked her to buy a really nice cake and she said 'No, i don't need expensive things,' Well! Needless to say, I could never see eye to eye on that one. It's not like I randomly ask for expensive things! I earn them. By getting half-arsed results. No, not half arsed, I'm not that bad, academically. So, alright, she's making a cake for herself. I wanted to help, but she told me to study. Okay. I shall go do that. Byyyyeeee. 

Acting on the wisdomity of Gandalf

It's heeeeeeeereee. *table shakes and lights flicker and a single sheet of paper appears before me* 

Oh, would you look at that, it's my statement of entry to my AS examinations. *Runs to corner to hide* 

I have the first exam on the 13th and the last on the 4th of june. *Heaves* I am not looking forward to this. No one ever looks forward to their exams anyway. I really hope to get a scholarship, but I feel like I have given up on ever getting one because well; they're very hard to obtain. I'm not saying I'm too dumb, I just I'm not smart enough. Which is no soother either. Ach. I hate this. I almost always never do well for economics. I hate it, so thats's half the battle lost. Okay I am going to study. There's this quote from LOTR where Ian McKellen says to Frodo : "..... All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us"

So I use the little time left to study and be the bestest student ever. Three cheers for Gandalf the Grey. 

Falling Off

So the path of obtaining a scholarship from a university has suddenly seemed more unlikely. I was online yesterday and the fees for a year at university are about 13,000 per annum. Even with a scholarship worth 2,000 pounds per year I'd still need to cough up 11,000 pounds, roughly 55,000 MYR. GREAT. Getting a loan will only render me knee deep in debt and interest when I'm 'fresh' out of university. Really not good. The other thing is how hard and so difficult they are to get. There are about 50 scholarships per university [I'm only guessing really, the university of glasgow has 30] and they are to be given to the students with the most impressive academic qualifications and I constantly fear that whatever result I get; it will not suffice for a scholarship. It's honestly rather heartbreaking, and I want to give up and just get all C's or whatever and enrol in this local university where the requirements are like 2E's. I might as well not stress myself. My life will never be happy until I get to live out the ideal I have endlessly pictured and perfected in my head. It's unhealthy but there isn't much to marvel at reality. I suppose that must've sounded bad of me. I suddenly feel like Blanche DuBois [from Streetcar Named Desire; if you didn't know]. But even she's got some sort of interesting reality but I guess she can't really see that. Life has been rather boring lately, with all the studying for a place I'm probably never get or be able to afford. Though my French class last week was rather uplifting and it made me quite happy and I felt so light [emotionally]. When I got to the car, I felt uplifted, like my mouth could not frown even if just to demonstrate because I was so content and just so happy. I often think of going to university in Paris for it is cheaper but I will not be able to study law. Which is rather sad, I was quite set on becoming someone in the legal profession. Though I feel the dream slowly diminishing; probably because I won't get my full 3 years and that pure college experience. It's just a little heartbreaking and bloody annoying. I don't know what else to do. Definitely not economics. It literally gives me brain-ache and heartache. It's far too depressing for me and I couldn't care less for it really. It's not my intellectual inclination. Literature on the other hand, is so enjoyable and fun [at times]. However a degree in English Literature would get me where?? [No offence to the people with English Literature degrees, but honestly; what are you doing with your lives-- I mean careers] I don't really want to be a teacher, [yet, I come from a long line of educators so I might as well entertain the possibility] I was quite happy with a career in law. But now, I seem less happy and sure about it. Sometimes I like to think that I am capable of getting my scholarship and that I'll be able to afford my place in university and for a while, I am quite happy and hopeful. But then it dissipates and I'm left with what things actually are and it's always disappointing. People often say that money can't buy happiness. Well you know what, these people are usually the ones with money. Happiness isn't always what people are after. A university education is a necessity. Food is necessary [I'm not going hungry by the way] I'm just saying, for those who say 'money can't buy happiness' I'd like your wealth for a week and we'll see if you're happy by the end of the week. Another thing is that MTV's Awkward is on it's third season and I'd really like to watch it. It was the reason I re-started my blog anyway but I have A-Levels. Though I watched LOTR for the first time just now and I can say it is ABSOLUTELY EPIC. Waiting till my exams are over to watch the other two; and a whole load of other films. And to read all the books I have bought. Oh the excitement! And possibly read the Jane Austen novel I'm meant to study for A2. That will be....interesting? Shall I say interesting? Haha. I'm trying to look towards things in a positive light and slightly more optimistic. But that is so hard to do when you are naturally so sarcastic and pessimistic and live in your head. Try I will and success I look forward to.

*Have I Told You Lately*

Dearest all who read. I love you. [I suspect you don't exist but at least I won't get a non lovely reply] I really have been...not so busy and just really horrible with documenting my thoughts and feelings. As you probably know I can only do that when I have something on my mind or a really horrid feeling going on my heart [I suspect it's a emotional heart problem not one involving my really shitty health] agh well. It's heavily unlikely that I am healthy person [heavily was supposed to be a joked aimed at me by me you may laugh now] Right now, I've got a quite a lot on my plate and I hope you enjoy reading about other peoples' stuff. Okay. Right. I'm always very sad when I think about things [or people] I can't have. It's sad because i love them- yet they will never know-- worse is when I'll never get the chance to show it. I love dogs; their simultaneous yet contradicting characteristic of being really vicious and really cute at the same time is a real killer for my dog-related feels [hyphens don't make sense to me yet, ironically, it 'made sense' to put one here] right okay haha moving on.... Dogs. Yes, dogs. They are so great. Love dogs. But I can't have them, [I'm a Muslim, for those of you who wonder why I can't have dogs] I really do love them, and think I am capable of taking care of them. But alas, I am not allowed to. It's all right really, I can always pretend I'm cuddling one. A GREAT BIG GERMAN SHEPHERD IS WHAT I LIKE. Ah well. So thats the tip of the problem covered iceberg which did not sink the titanic [as people quickly relate 'iceberg' to the image of the titanic sinking and possibly jack and rose; I felt the need to make my iceberg really special] I could go on all day on how I love dogs and other pets [I'm not allowed to have any, really. Thats an issue I currently debate with my parents on] But I must stop, its an obsession and I must kill it. Put it to sleep. Euthanise. Okay thats enough. Haha. I feel the need to begin with a sound as I am very awkward and it almost seems like I need a reason for me to speak okay-- no. I have just started to begin driving around my neighbourhood after getting my probationary license for about 3 weeks or so. I've not used it much though I half-heartedly want to. I've got no reason to drive around mainly because my adventures in life are mainly conducted in my bedroom, on my laptop, severely investing my time on a tv series. Grrreeeat. Not much of a socialising being, me. Anyway so yeah thats it about my driving and the fact that my parents don't really trust me much with the car [or my life when I'm driving] Must say I don't really love it either. *Siiiiiigh* I've been at my A-Levels for quite some time now and as some of you may know the AS examinations are looming over us. I suspect I shall be academically defrocked as soon as I open the the paper to reveal a girl who is still reading the textbook hoping to understand things before it's too late. I'm rather terrified; which is quite normal and expected of most students. But honestly, I feel like it's not really coming. Its as though I have all the time in the world and I am intellectually capable of understanding everything in less than 3 weeks. It's a terrible illusion and I am in constant fear that I don't do well because of my rosy view on things like these. I think quite a lot about the probable future and it's honestly that bad that I do, it's just that I do it in excess and I suspect it's doing no good to my education. I want to go to the UK with [hopefully] the aid of a university scholarship. I need at least 3 A's [Straight A's in my case] to even think; about applying to any university. It saddens me quite a lot that if I don't get the scholarship; I might not be able to go to university in the UK. Well there are twinning programs but they're not exactly the real deal are they? So I aim to be better everyday and I aim to follow the first aim. Better in every sense of the word. Healthier, Nicer, less pissy about everything and more importantly hardworking. Haaaaah. It all seems to be so achievable. Hmm. We'll only find out when i try all of those things soon and with a whole understanding of my dreams.

The underdemiciated, the mizzundastood and how they both make up my shitty arsefaced situation

Alright, I'm no innocent little angel of a daughter. No one is (silently suffering, if they do exist) I've only known a few and they're the ones who don't talk (not mute, just too bloody obedient and subservient to ever say anything) not that they've been oppressed (I'll just never know really) but if that is the kind of daughter my parents would sell the car for, then fine. I'll shut up and listen to you, as if you're always right. Nobody ever is. Yet, you do not admit your mistakes, you just say 'it didn't work out as I thought it would' well goody-- that just solves everything. Honestly. I'm just stumped and confused and yes, Underdemiciated. This is from bedtime stories (the one with Adam sandler and Russell brand; he's got sleep panic disorder there) and its not a real word. I just felt like saying it. I do loads of things to help out, and nobody seems to see or even thank me. The second I don't, is the second I get nagged at. Brrrrilliant. When my other siblings walk away from chores, they get nothing. what the f*#%. This is just one of the many reason I want to be away.
Our house is tiny. 4 rooms, 7 people. Our housekeeper has one to herself. One's my parents and the other two are shared between my sisters and I. Right, so sharing is all about being considerate right? Especially if its personal space. I am a neat person (most of the time) and I tend to have OCD spells, where I go insane and start cleaning up. My sisters are lazy, messy and just plain slobs. I pick up the slack. Not fair; not even one bit. One has strong hoarder signs. Well, I tell them (parents) to install more shelves so we have more space. I need shelves to be lowered as well because I am a human hobbit for Gods sake not because I'm bloody expensive and I can't bloody improvise with life's bloody challenges. My dad is alright with this, but no it's mummy dearest. 'You only know how to spend money, you're so demanding, you're so whiny, you're never satisfied with anything we give you' and I sorely wanted to reply, 'yeah you gave me life and I'm not too happy about it and I'm sure neither are you so I'll gladly f*** the hell off of your lives. So, as result, I am made into a ball of insecurities and things that don't belong to a person who tells people she's happy. Thinking of the less fortunate doesn't always make me feel better. It doesn't make my challenges disappear neither does it make theirs. So, am I supposed to feel sorry? Yes, I indeed do. Learning is a gift not many appreciate as a beneficial challenge at present. I hope people can learn and not be in wars and conflicts where people in nice chairs and rooms debate and fight while sipping nice coffee, while the uninvolved innocent people pay the price. So yeah. I try to boil it down to the bare facts and the core of the problem and solve it. But it's not always that systematic and automatic. You do stay angry for a few moments and eventually it dies and you can think again. I just want to be happy. Things don't seem to work out too often for me to think positively. *sighs* well. Night x

Nothing of severe importance

Hi everyone, sorry that I've not been having so many creative spells driven by emotion or a strong desire to express things so--- yeah. I've been trying to continue my fantasy story on a nymph and a boy I created when I was fourteen. Being the perfectionist, nothing seems right when it's not written in that 'mood'. So, it's a slow process, and I honestly hope it continues, it gives me a reason and a way to escape boring real life for something I can actually control and shape. It's coming along slowly, but really, I wouldn't have it any other way; okay; maybe to be a little more consistent. So that's happening, and I don't feel the need to touch on certain other things because I really feel the need to keep that to myself. I've recently discovered I am a boy repellent. Took me long enough. Right. Okay um enough of that-- I feel awkward in school there's no one to whom I can relate to culturally. Like music and movies and all. But we get along great on other stuff. So yeah I really miss my friends back in boarding school, wish I never left. But life doesn't really give a lot to those who are pessimistic and negative. So, I am trying to be a little more positive and hopefully I will see that I have been given a lot. Night all x love you safra

Of Venters and Ventees; Venting and ironically keeping it in and the fcking virtue that is fcking patience

Hello lads and lasses and whatever that's inbetween. I've decided to be more and more British with the intention of getting myself less and less attached to this country. I don't know how this endeavour may end up I might even get all bitchy and ignore all British slangs and go Americano and even a little francophone and straight up pissed off as shit. So bear with me online comrades. So venting should be accompanied with dramatic music simply because it'll actually help me temporarily escape this raging hell hole of a time I'm having. Perhaps it might just lift my spirits a little to know I was somewhere else for a moment. Being here; i.e. reality isn't so awesome. I'd rather be elsewhere and vent there and leave the venting over there and come back here with less things to stress and whine about. I've started thinking of writing more with whatever mood that's overpowering me at the moment and squeeze every bit of emotion and feel out of me till I'm dry with emotion. Oh how I wish it was all that easy. A ventee is really someone who (usually) loves you a real lot who's willingly taking the shit you're throwing at them. Yeah, those people exist and for me, they're my friends. My parents aren't ventees and would probably tell me I wasn't being very well behaved and above all very rude and immature. I've learnt to shy away completely from venting to them, I'm sure they love me but couldn't really care about the problem and especially the way I was venting would render them emotionally unattached followed by beginning to analyse everything and sometimes; yes it's my fault that I'm angry. But don't they think I might already know that? I always thought parents were really meant to support you and the truth was inapplicable if you were at fault. Mine don't see it that way all the time. Well, I've learnt to keep it in around my family members, we're quite uptight. British influenced upbringing I'm afraid, plus with the traditional Malay rules on parent- child relationships our rights to liberal speech has been rendered to 'no talking back, no explanations, no retorts and sit politely and do as I say' so basically, no saying 'no' without valid reason, whatever that may be. Now, of course, I don't exactly abide by these rules on how to behave. And that is why I get it for not keeping it in and letting my insides burn with my own anger. So, now I just shut up and wait till I see my friends or my blog or just blast every song with guitar riffs as loudly as I can, to make it a technically silent protest. Nothing is being said by me, but it's through song. Through beautiful riffs and wonderful rhymes of angsty teenage spirit, accompanied by a slew of profanities. Lovely. So basically, I don't know how or why I said turning British would help, but I would like to say sorry I didn't throw much profanities around. Really trying to manage the crap I'm being thrown with. It's all just too fucking much sometimes and I want to curse everything and really just run away far. But alas, I lack the funding. Sucks for all of us escapists. Most of my ventees are far away and I can't hug them or be near them or cry to them. Sometimes, people without prior knowledge of you might be the most fair judges. I used to have that and then she moved away. Sad. I don't like crying, I'm sure no one does, but I suppose you can't write it all out. Some are just best cried out and not remembered in writing. I've started (once more) with an old writing project of mine and kind of giving it my all this time. With any luck and actual talent I think and hope I possess I'll get somewhere and get enough funding for my desired and ideal education. So technically we're all a little bit of each. Ventees, venters, and sometimes, we do keep it in. All I can say now is I want to be near my ventees and away from whenever I am now. Not really comfortable admitting where I'm getting all these angst. So whatever then bye bye all x

My Current Obssession : The Last Shadow Puppets

Right, so basically I've been intensely in love with this band and their work for the past few days and there are so many valid reasons for it. To elaborate on them would take me ages. May the force be with me then. So it's basically Miles Kane's awesome sound and Alex Turner's genius lyrics. I loved them both separately before I had heard about the last shadow puppets, and I'm not sure how I found out, but I was pretty excited when I did. The first song I heard was probably 'Meeting Place' and I absolutely loved it. I listened to a couple of others and didn't like them as much. But I absolutely loved meeting place. Loved loved loved it. The other songs grew on me when I listened to them again and I nearly have their whole album (The Age of the Understatemnt) plus a few covers of songs I now love. I've basically been listening to their songs and the combination of their musical talent. They're absolutely rocking and I've learnt to adopt a Sheffield accent for the foon of it. I really like them and sue me for using them as a benchmark for someone's music taste and basically what I think of them. Mean and horrible I know, but I've never really been discriminative of someone's music taste. If I do even discriminate; its silently; handling it like a fucking lady. I really just love them and strangely it got me thinking of actually learning the guitar to write songs, I mean have had some half-hearted attempts but I really never gave it my all. I never thought of being a musician, I mean the fantasies of being a rockstar are slightly abundant but never really amounting to something more as a passing daydream. Now, it's really just the thought of maybe me actually making music. Well, it's a silent dream. The guitar playing is not, I certainly like to learn and write songs it would be really therapeutic and honestly, meeting a kindred musical soulmate would be a dream and to play music together! Oh well. I'm focusing on law and you know dreams somehow always need some funding. I'll put that aside for now. Right now, I'll just admire and adore and live by the last shadow puppets songs and hope for their quick comeback and more songs because I love them and honestly 5 years is too long. They've basically left me hanging. I'm waiting milex. That's it for now, I'm frequenting my bloody blog now with more tasty nuggets of informations and vaguely interesting snippets from my otherwise mild and mediocre life. It's only sometimes interesting. Well, I'd like to think blogging about ones life is a sign that one is slightly passionate about it. Cheers all. Oh and um and I've re-installed my twitter yes I'm just that hopeless but I've been spending less and less time there, honestly. You should check them out, anything I say about them, isn't enough to describe how awesome they really are. So bye bye all x

Little Things That Made Today More or Less Eventful by Some Standards

Today didn't begin as I wanted it too, which is another way of me saying, I didn't want it to begin at about 6 in the morning. An eventful day in the public transportation area, there was a demonstration on how to put on a life jacket and then they asked for volunteers. VOLUNTEERS. IN THE MORNING. Leave us be! And it felt a little like high school (middle school if I was a little more peeved) there were no volunteers and he said he would pull us out from the crowd if none of us showed up. Weird, right?*heavy sarcasm* yeah anyway BIM BAM BOOM it was over and I got off the ferry. And I forgot to mention the very cute guy on the ferry. He was Caucasian which made me wonder what he was doing studying here on the mainland oh well forget his irrelevant backstory, I don't think I care; oh but he was good looking. Right, as I proceed to the bus (I know where it is now 😌) and there's a really long line. Boohoo. And then this student came up to me and asked if was headed to KDU and I said yeah 'you take this bus' and I put my headphones back on. I did smile and say it politely :) and blabla bus was really full. Me and the dude didn't talk much although I had fantasised a budding friendship. Well whatever, the bus was full and I was holding on for dear life, on the hangy things on the ceilings, kept tottering and shaking as the bus moved and brushed against some people; normal stuff but slightly foreign to me. So; new experiences! Brilliant. And then we got off the bus and he said thank you which was nice of him. And then I walked to school and as I walk, I forget to bring my student registering form. I lied and said I lost it. In reality it was sitting on my table. And I refused to use my locker. Even though I brought the lock and key i had forgotten the day before. The day got a little shittier, I forgot to bring my econs manual. Thankfully this wasn't high school or middle school so I got off easy. And discovered econs is a real tough nut to crack. And I kept thinking of Miles Kane and Alex Turner. That was temporarily deviating, but honestly, I love their music. And them 😍. So afterwards class ended and we had loads of homework. Great. I walked to the bus stop and said hi to the girl I go to French class with. Brief but sufficient to keep our copain-hood cool and alive I guess. I still like her, really great girl. (Again, not a lady fancier). And then the trip back was normal, had a girl tell me where to go (I didn't know which bus stop) and then the waiting area at the ferry was abundant with white people and their sunburnt skin and bodybag like backpacks. Apart from our Malaysian community, it was odd to see so many of them. Ah well. That was not really eventful, just odd. My mother picked me up, and while waiting for her I kept singing to myself suck it and see by the arctic monkeys. Really love them. 5-10 minutes later we go wait for my sister and we go to lunch. Happiness but my tandoori chicken smelt odd so that was unfortunate I really like tandoori. Later on when I got home I must've dozed off and taken it easy and I eventually started my intellectual battle with econs. I felt dead after about almost 30 questions. Really, I was completely worn out. I hadn't even showered, had the idea I was going to run (never happened) so I dozed off again, half dead. Woke to my sister yapping away. The rest of the night was a bore, then I went on YouTube for some more music (miles kane and Alex turner videos) and then I decided sometimes my Friends didn't take my music suggestions seriously. Didn't take seriously but I let it go. Oh and I wrote a poem-ish thing on my struggles with econ. Very Taylor swift-y. Done under 5 minutes. Hah, okay. And I found out twitter was getting the better of me so I deleted the app from my phone which would make me have to log in on the net to tweet. Would help me a lot in expecting replies and whatnot. It was attention seeking, and that's not really me. So I thought, 'hey! I need to focus and people don't care all the time so screw it twitter!' Gone, just like that. I'll miss seeing Niall tweet though. Only thing (one of many) I'd most likely miss. But things have to be done and I'm quite happy and it'll give me more time for econs and law and writing. Things I love, you know. They're therapeutic. (save econ for now) hone my writing skills thanks to an old high school buddy. She's a great writer. Like me. So we're like exchanging stories now, and I promised her I would. I think that's what I needed, someone who is actually interested. An audience. Wow performers complex much. Oh well, that concludes my little things that made today slightly eventful. Goodnight all and have a wonderful day and make good decisions and I love you silly cat and cactus lover of a best friend (my only follower). I'm being more consistent; not that anyone cares. Haha. Alright bye everyone x

Colossal Mistakes And How You Can't Fix Them

I have always been a dork; noob; awkward in budding friendships. I've never been good at them. I can't say I haven't made unintentional mistakes that turned out good. Can't think of any so far, but I'm sure I've made some of those pathetic teenage movie mistakes in my life. I tend to do well in friendships when thrust in to their world and and of course, sharing things in common is always a good thing to kick off the budding friendship dinghy off to the giant vessel of relationships. Anyways. So, I have this friend I see every week or so. And we have things in common. Similar kind of people. Good acquaintanceship or as the French would say (as my French teacher puts it) copain. Comrade? Less affectionate than an ami. But it's someone you have a good time with. You don't really share anything personal with them. I mean, you could, but it'll take time for that to happen. So that is what this girl is to me. But I really like her (She's really cool and I'm not a lesbian just letting you know I like men; too much sometimes but that's besides the point) anyway so yes. I think she's really cool and all. So day after day, we get closer (still copains) and then she offers me her number on twitter. Really random, but sweet, I like people liking me, I should be appreciated I'm only so wonderful. So, I text her and nana bananas we talk about class and she tweets about how wonderful I am. And I in a state of awe and shock and slight cockiness. Reply pathetically (overly enthusiastic) nothing like the acquaintance me. Like the me with my meillures amies. I should've gone with 'Glad you think soooo :P' or something other than that horrid thing. I've been overcompensating with my tweeting but tweeting a lot, to get rid of it in my tweet history, (you know the first three tweets they show with your profile and all) and so, I still feel odd and stupid over that. I hope I get better at these things because BADA BING BADA VON DOOM I started school earlier last week and quite expectedly I made TWO sets of friends, the girl I first talked to who was slightly odd and the two girls who approached me. I liked them. But girl 1 didn't. So I faced the common dilemma of which friend to sit with during lunch and lectures. So.... Yeah. I'm managing, but it's still awkward. Now not so much. However, now I've made a new friend, and she's invited me to her 19th birthday party. Fact : I don't like parties, public gatherings or you know places with people. But she's my friend and she's a nice girl. I want to go mainly because I had a vision (fantasy would be more appropriate but let's not say that) that I would be a better person if I attended a few parties just to get a taste of it. Right now, it seems like a taste of wine. Something forbidden, but so tempting. Yet, I do not exactly crave for wine nor alcohol because I have never sipped (okay I had ONE sip of beer and a glass of lightly fermented apple juice but that was it) Well anyways after I had it and I knew it was forbidden, I sort of gave up and kind of parted with the idea of ever doing it again. It tasted horrible and it burnt my throat. So, no more alcohol for me. Don't really care for it anyway. Same for parties, it's kind of forbidden because of the free mixing of the sexes, then again, we're not getting in to an orgy and we all know our boundaries but of course some choose to sprint pass the very thinly drawn line and start you know..overstepping boundaries. However I don't think I need to worry about half actually drunk and half faking it drunk people making passes at me, because; you know they'd be trying to score with their crush, (not me) and thanks to their fake drunkenness they are able to tell who is who. Another thing is peer pressure and of course I don't live in an all Muslim neighbourhood, so there will be people with tattoos and dresses and skirts and they'll be doing stuff I can't do and wearing stuff I can't wear. I mean that might ignite me to do something bad or think of my 'repressing' religion. Which I don't want to happen. I love my religion, because (I think) I know it well enough to understand its only trying to protect us (girls mainly) from anything bad and it's rule on forbidding alcohol is that it may lead to overconsumption and it will lead you to do (bad) things you will regret in the morning. It's not just blindly telling us not to do things. Of course free thinkers and other people might say, 'No, I'll watch how much you drink' or 'Just one glass' I mean I know they mean well and only want to help you lol but I don't want thy to happen. And of course I don't know how to say this to her, I've only known her for a few days. So I mention my Saturday classes and how knackered I'll be but I tell her I want to go. Because I sort of do. So as usual I'm at crossroads and you know can't seem to decide between Niall Horan or Harry Styles or Logan Lerman or Skandar Keynes. Frankly I don't want to deal with either of them. Au revoir all xx love you (Katrina Safra you little ngok)

Sucky McSucker School

Good God, I have to honestly admit that I am not too fond of this place. I mean, I miss boarding school like hell. And my old boarding school is nothing like this new place, which I,not too severely, detest. It's better being alone by yourself rather than being surrounded by people whom you can't and don't want to talk to. But right now, I hate being alone more than every I'm too used to my thoughts I guess. I have just realised, I've been just missing boarding school. Everything was better there. None of us (I'm assuming) would dream of moving to an another school. KTJ was perfect for me. I had great near perfect friends there, I miss it sorely, no one could replace them. No wonderful boyfriend (hypothetical for the time being) could make me miss them less. It would've been fun for me to tell them everything that had happened. But alas, I am far away physically from them. I seem to be figuratively far from them. This is just aftermath of my paranoia and insecurity. I really believe in us being together again, but for the time being, it looks saddeningly unlikely. Does that mean I need to make new friends? There's no one I seem to like; (enough). I suppose, orientation is the really shittiest part of it all. But I didn't feel connected to the school. I got bad vibes and shit and it's just no good. I miss the greenery in KTJ the new place is one building and everything is cramped and I just want to be back in KTJ. I got a little emotional on how I would have to face college all on my own, and how I would have less time to speak to them, and how it actually rendered me briefly to tears. I got over it, and tried talking the stuff out. I realised, I had to give people chances. Some of them didn't even attempt to even talk to me, I feel like the incredible estrogenic monster in a potato sack. On to other things, they had ice breakers, all I can say is it was counter productive, everybody was closed off and especially certain people. Shy for no damn reason. And there were people called 'Ginger' and 'Virgie'. I wanted to laugh and pray for them at the same time. Oh well, there were none that caught the wandering eye. All but a few, but 'twas not near the compelling quality of my other paramours. I shouldn't think it should happen here. I should stop expecting it and focus to the real important stuff. Like acing all my exams well enough to apply for scholarships to go the UK. Or if I like economics, to the US I go! (to apply for scholarships, that is) so, I'm trying to come to terms with all I have to deal with . I need to acclimatise to the whatever it is KDU's climate is) and settle in. Work hard, and get that scholarship. I know I can and I know I will. Believe in me, God and people reading this. I hated the campus, but then again, that's not what I'll be doing, I'll be studying in the library all the time. That sounded better in my head. So I met the head of my department. He's nice. Easy to talk to. And the lady at the reception of my department. She was nice :) well, it's not all bad, weed out all the diploma and mass comm students and you have all the good people. Well, I've met some nice people on my second and third day. It's been better and I liked both my lecturers. My econs teacher is making me like econs. God bless her. And my law lecturer started off a little dodgy and odd, but he's actually quite alright. So, I guess, it's about time to get over my time at KTJ and get used to being a KDU student, and start to really open up to my new friends. They're really nice and they're quite different, which is not bad, it's good. I need different. Rant ends here. Bye all x

It's Really Up To Me Isn't It?

Rights. Now, everyone deserves rights. It's honestly horrible to know that some people think it's okay to meddle and and somehow ignore the fact that you have rights. It hurts, it embarrasses you and you're rendered with guilt. Okay, here it is, it's on hijabs. I know, it's compulsory for Muslim women and they are respected for exercising their rights. However if they decide not to wear the hijab, it is that person's right to do so. Sure, they're not doing the right thing immediately, but that doesn't make you ultimately superior nor does it grant you the permission to belittle said non hijabi to tears when she is only at the age of 10. It is not the way our religion was meant to be spread. Not and never through force. It was through your own pure intentions. I don't intend to be a hypocrite nor do I know if voicing this issue makes me one, but, I do, with full intention will one day wear the hijab. I am positive the time will come to me, and I will embrace it. For now, I shall (and I do) cover myself as far as I can. There are several factors affecting the persons decision. The culture the person was raised in, the community, the upbringing (in no way am I insulting anyone's parenting skills) and of course, the persons perspective on the issue. If one intends to encourage the non hijabi to wear one, one should ALWAYS do it with tact, for it is a sensitive topic and it's easy to go overboard. Instead of poking and diggin at them with condescending comments, one is supposed to make the person do it out of happiness and the sole intention of fulfilling ones duty as a Muslim and the fear of Allah S.W.T. However, it should never entirely be out of fear. Nothing can ever be genuine when done out of complete fear and terror. One should feel completely at peace with the decision, not clutching on to an open umbrella on a lovely day, waiting for the rain.