Its happened again, it's a horrible thing, where I ignore the inevitable and fantasise about the idyllic unlikely. Honestly, I'm starting to view it as a coping mechanism for my lackluster, physically dull though -- mentally adventurous life.
In other words nothing much happens to me in the way that I want them to happen.
Like my bloody personal life. I somewhat suck at being interesting or rememberable, at best. Though, it's a process with me. At the beginning of most friendships I will appear at every cornerstone you see with a smile and an unwanted opinion to further assert why I should be your friend by implying that I am well-read, easygoing, and (I'd like to think so) funny or witty. There, there you have very desirable qualities in which you would like and eventually enjoy and later tolerate; in a friendship. However do they last? Even if they do, they're more or less ordinary. Like you would find them in any person at the beginning of a budding friendship; it isn't all that rare or unique to find someoene who is easygoing and pleasant and elegantly humouros... AT FIRST. If the friendship is mutual (this is has often been the idyllic situation in my life, though it has happened a few times; I'm not a total loser) its probably the best kind of friendship between two equals who equally (most times) adore each other. However, insecurity in one, or both could actually cloud the obvious but unspoken truth that they actually enjoy each others company and opinion (occasionally). This happens to me a lot, where I have played both parts. I have been the limpet of a friend who is like a shadow to the other and I have also been the friend who gets her shit done on her own and has friends to hang out with when I want to (only several times; sadly I am not pretty enough to be a cool lone wolf with homies)
And then, when it's budding, you start to be a little more honest, and straightforward, and I personally will start to distance myself from any further affection. (Yes, I actually do that) and then when they catch on, I begin to feel neglected (Coming to realise why I only have like 5 friends) and I start being needy again and after that saga, honesty begins and only after that I actually start being friends with someone. (Coming to realise why it took me two years to actually be comfortable with one person)
Another misfortune is that the friends I want to see are really far away, and two phrases come to mind. 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder' and 'Out of sight and out of mind'. So far, with a few friends, the latter phrase applies.
Basically I was insecure about a lot of things and that made me doubt and degrade my value as a thinking human being. After being at boarding school, I learnt independence and began to enjoy my newly gained solitude and independence from my family and usual friends that I had temporarily left behind. I became a little less dependent of people I had just met, though after graduating over a year later, I returned to my old habits where I become mousey and less expressive with my opinions. Though, come to think of it, I don't think I was ever brave. But the point was me becoming more adventurous and daring because I'm rather tired of being ignored and being walked over because I'm too S H Y to speak my mind. I should never cease to keep quiet and reserved. Sometimes I should keep quiet, but I think I may possibly it too often.
Right so I only ever blog when I'm in an existential crisis. So, it felt nice to vent and to verbally motivate myself to be a little more expressive :) Yeeeaaah! Yay expression of feelings of thoughts! Woohoo! Probably would be more effective and genuine if I hadn't...used sarcasm....
Now, a very Marcus Butler adieu for you.
BYYYYEEEEEEEE *awkward hand gestures*
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