Falling Off

So the path of obtaining a scholarship from a university has suddenly seemed more unlikely. I was online yesterday and the fees for a year at university are about 13,000 per annum. Even with a scholarship worth 2,000 pounds per year I'd still need to cough up 11,000 pounds, roughly 55,000 MYR. GREAT. Getting a loan will only render me knee deep in debt and interest when I'm 'fresh' out of university. Really not good. The other thing is how hard and so difficult they are to get. There are about 50 scholarships per university [I'm only guessing really, the university of glasgow has 30] and they are to be given to the students with the most impressive academic qualifications and I constantly fear that whatever result I get; it will not suffice for a scholarship. It's honestly rather heartbreaking, and I want to give up and just get all C's or whatever and enrol in this local university where the requirements are like 2E's. I might as well not stress myself. My life will never be happy until I get to live out the ideal I have endlessly pictured and perfected in my head. It's unhealthy but there isn't much to marvel at reality. I suppose that must've sounded bad of me. I suddenly feel like Blanche DuBois [from Streetcar Named Desire; if you didn't know]. But even she's got some sort of interesting reality but I guess she can't really see that. Life has been rather boring lately, with all the studying for a place I'm probably never get or be able to afford. Though my French class last week was rather uplifting and it made me quite happy and I felt so light [emotionally]. When I got to the car, I felt uplifted, like my mouth could not frown even if just to demonstrate because I was so content and just so happy. I often think of going to university in Paris for it is cheaper but I will not be able to study law. Which is rather sad, I was quite set on becoming someone in the legal profession. Though I feel the dream slowly diminishing; probably because I won't get my full 3 years and that pure college experience. It's just a little heartbreaking and bloody annoying. I don't know what else to do. Definitely not economics. It literally gives me brain-ache and heartache. It's far too depressing for me and I couldn't care less for it really. It's not my intellectual inclination. Literature on the other hand, is so enjoyable and fun [at times]. However a degree in English Literature would get me where?? [No offence to the people with English Literature degrees, but honestly; what are you doing with your lives-- I mean careers] I don't really want to be a teacher, [yet, I come from a long line of educators so I might as well entertain the possibility] I was quite happy with a career in law. But now, I seem less happy and sure about it. Sometimes I like to think that I am capable of getting my scholarship and that I'll be able to afford my place in university and for a while, I am quite happy and hopeful. But then it dissipates and I'm left with what things actually are and it's always disappointing. People often say that money can't buy happiness. Well you know what, these people are usually the ones with money. Happiness isn't always what people are after. A university education is a necessity. Food is necessary [I'm not going hungry by the way] I'm just saying, for those who say 'money can't buy happiness' I'd like your wealth for a week and we'll see if you're happy by the end of the week. Another thing is that MTV's Awkward is on it's third season and I'd really like to watch it. It was the reason I re-started my blog anyway but I have A-Levels. Though I watched LOTR for the first time just now and I can say it is ABSOLUTELY EPIC. Waiting till my exams are over to watch the other two; and a whole load of other films. And to read all the books I have bought. Oh the excitement! And possibly read the Jane Austen novel I'm meant to study for A2. That will be....interesting? Shall I say interesting? Haha. I'm trying to look towards things in a positive light and slightly more optimistic. But that is so hard to do when you are naturally so sarcastic and pessimistic and live in your head. Try I will and success I look forward to.