Of You and I

I stand alone

At the cliff of my world's end

The waves thrash against rocks

As sharp as your wit 

As misleading as the lies I loved

I lean back because I know better

I do not want to meet my end.

But, beneath the waves,

Your face glimmers beneath it

Your arms are wide and they are open

Someone to catch me

When I fall

My poor heart fills with all that is heavenly 

My young mind dances to the thought

Of You and I.

As I fall faster and further to you,

I see that my poor heart has been deceived.

It will always be quick to believe you

And your lies

That I cannot help;

But at least now,

It will not believe anything anymore.

Dreaming When You're Down

It is almost like a cure to a wound, 

or a painkiller to counter the brief agony Dreaming when you're down. 

You don't necessarily intend to live the dream; 

but the knowledge that a better future awaits 

seems so comforting. 

An amalgamation of the wonderful

but impossible turn of events. 

The dream hugs you 

and strokes you on your withered back, touches you on your tear-stained cheek.     Then it tells you,

with its soft fingers

caressing your chin,

'It's a beautiful dream you dreamt' 

and nothing else. 

What else can you get when you dream a dream that cannot be lived?

An old lover coming round the bend with-Roses! In his hands and an apology! 

in his-- teary eyes? 

But what next? 

It's sadness 

for the happiness you've never got

Though for some

Once was one time too much

And you, retreated into the darkness

Into the dream you dreamt

And I, the lonely heart am left 

In your darkness

In the dream you dreamt. 

Carra, The Enterprise and a half done economics paper

Right, so the title pretty much sums up my whole day. Also, interesting fact... The power was out! From about 10.30 to about 3.30 the power was out and it was driving me out of my mind. Lucky for us, it wasn't too hot! 

Today, Jamie Carragher plays his last match for Liverpool. I was rather emotional at the start. I mean, I watched him growing up. He was always there, making scoring a goal difficult for strikers. Liverpool without him is almost like Manchester United without Sir Alex. I would compare Carra to Bill Shankly, but frankly I wouldn't know. I certainly wasn't around for Shankly's reign. Though, he's one awesome man, (an understatement, I know). But Carra and Sir Alex have been solid figures in both their clubs and they're both (along with Scholes) are retiring, which marks a huge change in both clubs. Sure, players come and go, but Jamie Carragher came, and he stayed till the end of his career. Quite like Sir Alex. Legends, the both of them. Freaking awesome men. It will be very odd not to see his name on the team sheets next season. Thanks Carra. 

On to the Enterprise. I have made it explicitly clear that I want to watch the second Star Trek film solely because of Benedict Cumberbatch. I've seen part of the first one and I must say I do quite enjoy it. It's a cool franchise, one that I used to think as a Star Wars spin off (please nobody kill me). Now I am quite excited to see the rest of the film and of course the second one! I nearly cried in the first ten minutes of the film; who wouldn't really? The fact that he can laugh just seconds before his inevitable death-- made my heart shrink a little okay. Love Star Trek so far.

Obviously with all of this going on, econs would lose the battles. So it was The Enterprise over The Infaltion rate of country whatever and it was Carra over whatever topic I was trying to read. 

Regrets will be expressed in silent repressed agony in the exam hall. Goodnight all.xx

Days where I feel like my life is going nowhere

Hey internet! (Signature danisnotonfire opening line). This is my second day on the diet and I am feeling funny. Funny, because I'm managing. So, I feel fine, I'm still not compelled to exercise; don't know when I'll ever be. Yes, so I'm okay! I stuffed myself at lunch. But now, I have applied the same philosophy Dr. Sonya said to Lily when she was pregnant. So technically, I can eat between meals, only (this must be read in a Slavic-ish accent)

"Just a little bit" 

It is actually working! I am so happy! Diets really don't last long for me. Shorter than I care to admit. Right. Okay. I have just completed three A-Level papers and the next one is in three days. I have yet to do any studying because my future means so frickin much to me right now. I absolutely hate Econs. Yet I must ace it to get into university, which means a lot to me. Education is all I have. Literally. I have no other legitimate (admit it, fangirling and reading books and watching tv shows won't get me paid) form of fulfillment other than studying and knowing that I'm smart. Plus, the knowledge that someone somewhere has to hire me because they need me. And it's basically impossible to hire a dumb lawyer. I'm not dumb-ish, I'm of wonderful and witty above-average intelligence. (Yay for me!) *continues daydreaming till the day before exams* 

Not hungry, just bored.

I really just want to eat. And not exercise. And eat. I mean I am not totally unhealthy; I actually like fruits and vegetables... But to be deprived of the bad good stuff (i.e fries, meat, fish, bread, jam, peanut butter, cake-- it goes on) for TEN DAYS?? Where do I unsubscribe?

To make everything a little clearer, I am on a diet. A Korean man, has designed an organic replacement meal to have twice a day, (So, it's your breakfast and dinner, you can have whatever you want for lunch). You mix it with water and that's your meal. It's not awful tasting but it's not good tasting either. I guess for diet food, this is pretty okay. So, I started the dietary endeavour this morning and, the man on the box (the sachets come in boxes) said you wouldn't be hungry. And I wasn't. It does keep you full-ish, but then again, you don't only eat when you're hungry; you basically eat whenever you feel like it. So that's the actual challenge. Restraining yourself from eating. However to curb hunger pangs, you're allowed to eat raw or steamed fruits and vegetables. Nothing else. Nothing. Okay. I can do this. Sure I can. It's just self-control. 

The fact that everyone else is eating whenever and whatever they want is a little agonising. I plan to avoid all contact with people and study economics. And watch movies, tv shows and read books till I'm tired. This is going to last ten days. Nine more to go. And the fact that my grandmother is coming over just makes it worse. She loves to cook, moreover, she loves cooking for us. I do hope she understands these dietary stuff. It's all right really. There are ALWAYS leftovers. I'll make sure of it. 

I'm taking it simply because I cannot afford to gain anymore weight and predominantly, being this unhealthy. I mean being unhealthy takes a toll on a whole bunch of different things. It's not just not having low self-esteem because you aren't able to buy clothes you want. Things like participating in rigorous physical activities is reduced and somewhat embarassing because you're the unfittest of the lot. (I was always keen on football, rock climbing, snorkelling, martial arts) Oh! and dancing! But not like how the people in clubs do it. Easily, almost all of them are intoxicated with overconfidence and ballsy-ness. They're just basically tottering about the dance floor exclaiming gibberish. I meant dancing as something that was more along the lines of tango or modern dance or even zumba. Basically dancing with sober people who can actually dance. I mean did do some of those things, but it was still difficult because of my weight and low energy level. It was truly sad to know I was too big (physically) for something. Now.... 

I've just started and hunger pangs don't really happen that often. As I've said, its boredom that really gets you. So, if one is bored one shall not stuff thy face. 

Fanning the Flames

Hello. So I'm on my way to my first A-Level exam. That's great. I feel like an unarmed soldier fighting in a war he doesn't understand but is determined to win, without the one-way protection of ammunition and armour. I honestly can't think how I might get the result I want. So far, my average score for the objective bit of the paper is 20 out of 30 which is pretty bad. I've been high strung all week, and I'm trying to relax in the car now. It's working I guess. I just need to make sure I am in a good state of mind when I sit for it. Strangely, I have always seen this day as so elusive and almost like something that might happen. Now, I still think of it as something that might happen. Great.Brilliant. *Pulls self together* I'll do okay. I'll do just fine.

Harry Potter, Mothers Day and Living Simply.

I do believe sometimes, I can be.... 'Expensive and costly' They are my mothers words precisely. But honestly, is there something totally catastrophic and disastrous about being 'expensive and costly' at times? I mean, I rarely go for expensive meals. They are only moderately expensive and they happen once or twice a month. In those moments that I do get to go out, why not be lavish about it? It's only once a month. And I admit, that we eat simply at home, and it's all fine. My mother claims to be a 'simple woman'-- ok fine she is I'm the one with expensive taste but whatever really we're all human. It's just that I think she's in denial sometimes. 

Getting to the Harry Potter bit. Aren't you at least a tiny bit sad (if you're a Potterhead you look forward the releases, only to see that there are no more films, and then you start wishing; with spells obviously, to be a child again) that there are no more screenings of Harry Potter films? That means no more of going to the cinema and buying a ticket to see the film, no more looking forward to seeing how they've decided to do the dragons-- oh it's just terrible. I sincerely hope they re-release it in 3D just so I can enjoy looking forward to watching a Harry Potter film. The Mothers Day bit is just there only because I thought it up on Mothers Day. Happy Mothers Day! On this day my mother refuses to buy a cake (we have no money to buy her anything, the money we get is also from her and my dad, so there's really no point) I asked her to buy a really nice cake and she said 'No, i don't need expensive things,' Well! Needless to say, I could never see eye to eye on that one. It's not like I randomly ask for expensive things! I earn them. By getting half-arsed results. No, not half arsed, I'm not that bad, academically. So, alright, she's making a cake for herself. I wanted to help, but she told me to study. Okay. I shall go do that. Byyyyeeee. 

Acting on the wisdomity of Gandalf

It's heeeeeeeereee. *table shakes and lights flicker and a single sheet of paper appears before me* 

Oh, would you look at that, it's my statement of entry to my AS examinations. *Runs to corner to hide* 

I have the first exam on the 13th and the last on the 4th of june. *Heaves* I am not looking forward to this. No one ever looks forward to their exams anyway. I really hope to get a scholarship, but I feel like I have given up on ever getting one because well; they're very hard to obtain. I'm not saying I'm too dumb, I just I'm not smart enough. Which is no soother either. Ach. I hate this. I almost always never do well for economics. I hate it, so thats's half the battle lost. Okay I am going to study. There's this quote from LOTR where Ian McKellen says to Frodo : "..... All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us"

So I use the little time left to study and be the bestest student ever. Three cheers for Gandalf the Grey. 

Falling Off

So the path of obtaining a scholarship from a university has suddenly seemed more unlikely. I was online yesterday and the fees for a year at university are about 13,000 per annum. Even with a scholarship worth 2,000 pounds per year I'd still need to cough up 11,000 pounds, roughly 55,000 MYR. GREAT. Getting a loan will only render me knee deep in debt and interest when I'm 'fresh' out of university. Really not good. The other thing is how hard and so difficult they are to get. There are about 50 scholarships per university [I'm only guessing really, the university of glasgow has 30] and they are to be given to the students with the most impressive academic qualifications and I constantly fear that whatever result I get; it will not suffice for a scholarship. It's honestly rather heartbreaking, and I want to give up and just get all C's or whatever and enrol in this local university where the requirements are like 2E's. I might as well not stress myself. My life will never be happy until I get to live out the ideal I have endlessly pictured and perfected in my head. It's unhealthy but there isn't much to marvel at reality. I suppose that must've sounded bad of me. I suddenly feel like Blanche DuBois [from Streetcar Named Desire; if you didn't know]. But even she's got some sort of interesting reality but I guess she can't really see that. Life has been rather boring lately, with all the studying for a place I'm probably never get or be able to afford. Though my French class last week was rather uplifting and it made me quite happy and I felt so light [emotionally]. When I got to the car, I felt uplifted, like my mouth could not frown even if just to demonstrate because I was so content and just so happy. I often think of going to university in Paris for it is cheaper but I will not be able to study law. Which is rather sad, I was quite set on becoming someone in the legal profession. Though I feel the dream slowly diminishing; probably because I won't get my full 3 years and that pure college experience. It's just a little heartbreaking and bloody annoying. I don't know what else to do. Definitely not economics. It literally gives me brain-ache and heartache. It's far too depressing for me and I couldn't care less for it really. It's not my intellectual inclination. Literature on the other hand, is so enjoyable and fun [at times]. However a degree in English Literature would get me where?? [No offence to the people with English Literature degrees, but honestly; what are you doing with your lives-- I mean careers] I don't really want to be a teacher, [yet, I come from a long line of educators so I might as well entertain the possibility] I was quite happy with a career in law. But now, I seem less happy and sure about it. Sometimes I like to think that I am capable of getting my scholarship and that I'll be able to afford my place in university and for a while, I am quite happy and hopeful. But then it dissipates and I'm left with what things actually are and it's always disappointing. People often say that money can't buy happiness. Well you know what, these people are usually the ones with money. Happiness isn't always what people are after. A university education is a necessity. Food is necessary [I'm not going hungry by the way] I'm just saying, for those who say 'money can't buy happiness' I'd like your wealth for a week and we'll see if you're happy by the end of the week. Another thing is that MTV's Awkward is on it's third season and I'd really like to watch it. It was the reason I re-started my blog anyway but I have A-Levels. Though I watched LOTR for the first time just now and I can say it is ABSOLUTELY EPIC. Waiting till my exams are over to watch the other two; and a whole load of other films. And to read all the books I have bought. Oh the excitement! And possibly read the Jane Austen novel I'm meant to study for A2. That will be....interesting? Shall I say interesting? Haha. I'm trying to look towards things in a positive light and slightly more optimistic. But that is so hard to do when you are naturally so sarcastic and pessimistic and live in your head. Try I will and success I look forward to.

*Have I Told You Lately*

Dearest all who read. I love you. [I suspect you don't exist but at least I won't get a non lovely reply] I really have been...not so busy and just really horrible with documenting my thoughts and feelings. As you probably know I can only do that when I have something on my mind or a really horrid feeling going on my heart [I suspect it's a emotional heart problem not one involving my really shitty health] agh well. It's heavily unlikely that I am healthy person [heavily was supposed to be a joked aimed at me by me you may laugh now] Right now, I've got a quite a lot on my plate and I hope you enjoy reading about other peoples' stuff. Okay. Right. I'm always very sad when I think about things [or people] I can't have. It's sad because i love them- yet they will never know-- worse is when I'll never get the chance to show it. I love dogs; their simultaneous yet contradicting characteristic of being really vicious and really cute at the same time is a real killer for my dog-related feels [hyphens don't make sense to me yet, ironically, it 'made sense' to put one here] right okay haha moving on.... Dogs. Yes, dogs. They are so great. Love dogs. But I can't have them, [I'm a Muslim, for those of you who wonder why I can't have dogs] I really do love them, and think I am capable of taking care of them. But alas, I am not allowed to. It's all right really, I can always pretend I'm cuddling one. A GREAT BIG GERMAN SHEPHERD IS WHAT I LIKE. Ah well. So thats the tip of the problem covered iceberg which did not sink the titanic [as people quickly relate 'iceberg' to the image of the titanic sinking and possibly jack and rose; I felt the need to make my iceberg really special] I could go on all day on how I love dogs and other pets [I'm not allowed to have any, really. Thats an issue I currently debate with my parents on] But I must stop, its an obsession and I must kill it. Put it to sleep. Euthanise. Okay thats enough. Haha. I feel the need to begin with a sound as I am very awkward and it almost seems like I need a reason for me to speak okay-- no. I have just started to begin driving around my neighbourhood after getting my probationary license for about 3 weeks or so. I've not used it much though I half-heartedly want to. I've got no reason to drive around mainly because my adventures in life are mainly conducted in my bedroom, on my laptop, severely investing my time on a tv series. Grrreeeat. Not much of a socialising being, me. Anyway so yeah thats it about my driving and the fact that my parents don't really trust me much with the car [or my life when I'm driving] Must say I don't really love it either. *Siiiiiigh* I've been at my A-Levels for quite some time now and as some of you may know the AS examinations are looming over us. I suspect I shall be academically defrocked as soon as I open the the paper to reveal a girl who is still reading the textbook hoping to understand things before it's too late. I'm rather terrified; which is quite normal and expected of most students. But honestly, I feel like it's not really coming. Its as though I have all the time in the world and I am intellectually capable of understanding everything in less than 3 weeks. It's a terrible illusion and I am in constant fear that I don't do well because of my rosy view on things like these. I think quite a lot about the probable future and it's honestly that bad that I do, it's just that I do it in excess and I suspect it's doing no good to my education. I want to go to the UK with [hopefully] the aid of a university scholarship. I need at least 3 A's [Straight A's in my case] to even think; about applying to any university. It saddens me quite a lot that if I don't get the scholarship; I might not be able to go to university in the UK. Well there are twinning programs but they're not exactly the real deal are they? So I aim to be better everyday and I aim to follow the first aim. Better in every sense of the word. Healthier, Nicer, less pissy about everything and more importantly hardworking. Haaaaah. It all seems to be so achievable. Hmm. We'll only find out when i try all of those things soon and with a whole understanding of my dreams.