Nothing of severe importance

Hi everyone, sorry that I've not been having so many creative spells driven by emotion or a strong desire to express things so--- yeah. I've been trying to continue my fantasy story on a nymph and a boy I created when I was fourteen. Being the perfectionist, nothing seems right when it's not written in that 'mood'. So, it's a slow process, and I honestly hope it continues, it gives me a reason and a way to escape boring real life for something I can actually control and shape. It's coming along slowly, but really, I wouldn't have it any other way; okay; maybe to be a little more consistent. So that's happening, and I don't feel the need to touch on certain other things because I really feel the need to keep that to myself. I've recently discovered I am a boy repellent. Took me long enough. Right. Okay um enough of that-- I feel awkward in school there's no one to whom I can relate to culturally. Like music and movies and all. But we get along great on other stuff. So yeah I really miss my friends back in boarding school, wish I never left. But life doesn't really give a lot to those who are pessimistic and negative. So, I am trying to be a little more positive and hopefully I will see that I have been given a lot. Night all x love you safra

Of Venters and Ventees; Venting and ironically keeping it in and the fcking virtue that is fcking patience

Hello lads and lasses and whatever that's inbetween. I've decided to be more and more British with the intention of getting myself less and less attached to this country. I don't know how this endeavour may end up I might even get all bitchy and ignore all British slangs and go Americano and even a little francophone and straight up pissed off as shit. So bear with me online comrades. So venting should be accompanied with dramatic music simply because it'll actually help me temporarily escape this raging hell hole of a time I'm having. Perhaps it might just lift my spirits a little to know I was somewhere else for a moment. Being here; i.e. reality isn't so awesome. I'd rather be elsewhere and vent there and leave the venting over there and come back here with less things to stress and whine about. I've started thinking of writing more with whatever mood that's overpowering me at the moment and squeeze every bit of emotion and feel out of me till I'm dry with emotion. Oh how I wish it was all that easy. A ventee is really someone who (usually) loves you a real lot who's willingly taking the shit you're throwing at them. Yeah, those people exist and for me, they're my friends. My parents aren't ventees and would probably tell me I wasn't being very well behaved and above all very rude and immature. I've learnt to shy away completely from venting to them, I'm sure they love me but couldn't really care about the problem and especially the way I was venting would render them emotionally unattached followed by beginning to analyse everything and sometimes; yes it's my fault that I'm angry. But don't they think I might already know that? I always thought parents were really meant to support you and the truth was inapplicable if you were at fault. Mine don't see it that way all the time. Well, I've learnt to keep it in around my family members, we're quite uptight. British influenced upbringing I'm afraid, plus with the traditional Malay rules on parent- child relationships our rights to liberal speech has been rendered to 'no talking back, no explanations, no retorts and sit politely and do as I say' so basically, no saying 'no' without valid reason, whatever that may be. Now, of course, I don't exactly abide by these rules on how to behave. And that is why I get it for not keeping it in and letting my insides burn with my own anger. So, now I just shut up and wait till I see my friends or my blog or just blast every song with guitar riffs as loudly as I can, to make it a technically silent protest. Nothing is being said by me, but it's through song. Through beautiful riffs and wonderful rhymes of angsty teenage spirit, accompanied by a slew of profanities. Lovely. So basically, I don't know how or why I said turning British would help, but I would like to say sorry I didn't throw much profanities around. Really trying to manage the crap I'm being thrown with. It's all just too fucking much sometimes and I want to curse everything and really just run away far. But alas, I lack the funding. Sucks for all of us escapists. Most of my ventees are far away and I can't hug them or be near them or cry to them. Sometimes, people without prior knowledge of you might be the most fair judges. I used to have that and then she moved away. Sad. I don't like crying, I'm sure no one does, but I suppose you can't write it all out. Some are just best cried out and not remembered in writing. I've started (once more) with an old writing project of mine and kind of giving it my all this time. With any luck and actual talent I think and hope I possess I'll get somewhere and get enough funding for my desired and ideal education. So technically we're all a little bit of each. Ventees, venters, and sometimes, we do keep it in. All I can say now is I want to be near my ventees and away from whenever I am now. Not really comfortable admitting where I'm getting all these angst. So whatever then bye bye all x

My Current Obssession : The Last Shadow Puppets

Right, so basically I've been intensely in love with this band and their work for the past few days and there are so many valid reasons for it. To elaborate on them would take me ages. May the force be with me then. So it's basically Miles Kane's awesome sound and Alex Turner's genius lyrics. I loved them both separately before I had heard about the last shadow puppets, and I'm not sure how I found out, but I was pretty excited when I did. The first song I heard was probably 'Meeting Place' and I absolutely loved it. I listened to a couple of others and didn't like them as much. But I absolutely loved meeting place. Loved loved loved it. The other songs grew on me when I listened to them again and I nearly have their whole album (The Age of the Understatemnt) plus a few covers of songs I now love. I've basically been listening to their songs and the combination of their musical talent. They're absolutely rocking and I've learnt to adopt a Sheffield accent for the foon of it. I really like them and sue me for using them as a benchmark for someone's music taste and basically what I think of them. Mean and horrible I know, but I've never really been discriminative of someone's music taste. If I do even discriminate; its silently; handling it like a fucking lady. I really just love them and strangely it got me thinking of actually learning the guitar to write songs, I mean have had some half-hearted attempts but I really never gave it my all. I never thought of being a musician, I mean the fantasies of being a rockstar are slightly abundant but never really amounting to something more as a passing daydream. Now, it's really just the thought of maybe me actually making music. Well, it's a silent dream. The guitar playing is not, I certainly like to learn and write songs it would be really therapeutic and honestly, meeting a kindred musical soulmate would be a dream and to play music together! Oh well. I'm focusing on law and you know dreams somehow always need some funding. I'll put that aside for now. Right now, I'll just admire and adore and live by the last shadow puppets songs and hope for their quick comeback and more songs because I love them and honestly 5 years is too long. They've basically left me hanging. I'm waiting milex. That's it for now, I'm frequenting my bloody blog now with more tasty nuggets of informations and vaguely interesting snippets from my otherwise mild and mediocre life. It's only sometimes interesting. Well, I'd like to think blogging about ones life is a sign that one is slightly passionate about it. Cheers all. Oh and um and I've re-installed my twitter yes I'm just that hopeless but I've been spending less and less time there, honestly. You should check them out, anything I say about them, isn't enough to describe how awesome they really are. So bye bye all x

Little Things That Made Today More or Less Eventful by Some Standards

Today didn't begin as I wanted it too, which is another way of me saying, I didn't want it to begin at about 6 in the morning. An eventful day in the public transportation area, there was a demonstration on how to put on a life jacket and then they asked for volunteers. VOLUNTEERS. IN THE MORNING. Leave us be! And it felt a little like high school (middle school if I was a little more peeved) there were no volunteers and he said he would pull us out from the crowd if none of us showed up. Weird, right?*heavy sarcasm* yeah anyway BIM BAM BOOM it was over and I got off the ferry. And I forgot to mention the very cute guy on the ferry. He was Caucasian which made me wonder what he was doing studying here on the mainland oh well forget his irrelevant backstory, I don't think I care; oh but he was good looking. Right, as I proceed to the bus (I know where it is now 😌) and there's a really long line. Boohoo. And then this student came up to me and asked if was headed to KDU and I said yeah 'you take this bus' and I put my headphones back on. I did smile and say it politely :) and blabla bus was really full. Me and the dude didn't talk much although I had fantasised a budding friendship. Well whatever, the bus was full and I was holding on for dear life, on the hangy things on the ceilings, kept tottering and shaking as the bus moved and brushed against some people; normal stuff but slightly foreign to me. So; new experiences! Brilliant. And then we got off the bus and he said thank you which was nice of him. And then I walked to school and as I walk, I forget to bring my student registering form. I lied and said I lost it. In reality it was sitting on my table. And I refused to use my locker. Even though I brought the lock and key i had forgotten the day before. The day got a little shittier, I forgot to bring my econs manual. Thankfully this wasn't high school or middle school so I got off easy. And discovered econs is a real tough nut to crack. And I kept thinking of Miles Kane and Alex Turner. That was temporarily deviating, but honestly, I love their music. And them 😍. So afterwards class ended and we had loads of homework. Great. I walked to the bus stop and said hi to the girl I go to French class with. Brief but sufficient to keep our copain-hood cool and alive I guess. I still like her, really great girl. (Again, not a lady fancier). And then the trip back was normal, had a girl tell me where to go (I didn't know which bus stop) and then the waiting area at the ferry was abundant with white people and their sunburnt skin and bodybag like backpacks. Apart from our Malaysian community, it was odd to see so many of them. Ah well. That was not really eventful, just odd. My mother picked me up, and while waiting for her I kept singing to myself suck it and see by the arctic monkeys. Really love them. 5-10 minutes later we go wait for my sister and we go to lunch. Happiness but my tandoori chicken smelt odd so that was unfortunate I really like tandoori. Later on when I got home I must've dozed off and taken it easy and I eventually started my intellectual battle with econs. I felt dead after about almost 30 questions. Really, I was completely worn out. I hadn't even showered, had the idea I was going to run (never happened) so I dozed off again, half dead. Woke to my sister yapping away. The rest of the night was a bore, then I went on YouTube for some more music (miles kane and Alex turner videos) and then I decided sometimes my Friends didn't take my music suggestions seriously. Didn't take seriously but I let it go. Oh and I wrote a poem-ish thing on my struggles with econ. Very Taylor swift-y. Done under 5 minutes. Hah, okay. And I found out twitter was getting the better of me so I deleted the app from my phone which would make me have to log in on the net to tweet. Would help me a lot in expecting replies and whatnot. It was attention seeking, and that's not really me. So I thought, 'hey! I need to focus and people don't care all the time so screw it twitter!' Gone, just like that. I'll miss seeing Niall tweet though. Only thing (one of many) I'd most likely miss. But things have to be done and I'm quite happy and it'll give me more time for econs and law and writing. Things I love, you know. They're therapeutic. (save econ for now) hone my writing skills thanks to an old high school buddy. She's a great writer. Like me. So we're like exchanging stories now, and I promised her I would. I think that's what I needed, someone who is actually interested. An audience. Wow performers complex much. Oh well, that concludes my little things that made today slightly eventful. Goodnight all and have a wonderful day and make good decisions and I love you silly cat and cactus lover of a best friend (my only follower). I'm being more consistent; not that anyone cares. Haha. Alright bye everyone x

Colossal Mistakes And How You Can't Fix Them

I have always been a dork; noob; awkward in budding friendships. I've never been good at them. I can't say I haven't made unintentional mistakes that turned out good. Can't think of any so far, but I'm sure I've made some of those pathetic teenage movie mistakes in my life. I tend to do well in friendships when thrust in to their world and and of course, sharing things in common is always a good thing to kick off the budding friendship dinghy off to the giant vessel of relationships. Anyways. So, I have this friend I see every week or so. And we have things in common. Similar kind of people. Good acquaintanceship or as the French would say (as my French teacher puts it) copain. Comrade? Less affectionate than an ami. But it's someone you have a good time with. You don't really share anything personal with them. I mean, you could, but it'll take time for that to happen. So that is what this girl is to me. But I really like her (She's really cool and I'm not a lesbian just letting you know I like men; too much sometimes but that's besides the point) anyway so yes. I think she's really cool and all. So day after day, we get closer (still copains) and then she offers me her number on twitter. Really random, but sweet, I like people liking me, I should be appreciated I'm only so wonderful. So, I text her and nana bananas we talk about class and she tweets about how wonderful I am. And I in a state of awe and shock and slight cockiness. Reply pathetically (overly enthusiastic) nothing like the acquaintance me. Like the me with my meillures amies. I should've gone with 'Glad you think soooo :P' or something other than that horrid thing. I've been overcompensating with my tweeting but tweeting a lot, to get rid of it in my tweet history, (you know the first three tweets they show with your profile and all) and so, I still feel odd and stupid over that. I hope I get better at these things because BADA BING BADA VON DOOM I started school earlier last week and quite expectedly I made TWO sets of friends, the girl I first talked to who was slightly odd and the two girls who approached me. I liked them. But girl 1 didn't. So I faced the common dilemma of which friend to sit with during lunch and lectures. So.... Yeah. I'm managing, but it's still awkward. Now not so much. However, now I've made a new friend, and she's invited me to her 19th birthday party. Fact : I don't like parties, public gatherings or you know places with people. But she's my friend and she's a nice girl. I want to go mainly because I had a vision (fantasy would be more appropriate but let's not say that) that I would be a better person if I attended a few parties just to get a taste of it. Right now, it seems like a taste of wine. Something forbidden, but so tempting. Yet, I do not exactly crave for wine nor alcohol because I have never sipped (okay I had ONE sip of beer and a glass of lightly fermented apple juice but that was it) Well anyways after I had it and I knew it was forbidden, I sort of gave up and kind of parted with the idea of ever doing it again. It tasted horrible and it burnt my throat. So, no more alcohol for me. Don't really care for it anyway. Same for parties, it's kind of forbidden because of the free mixing of the sexes, then again, we're not getting in to an orgy and we all know our boundaries but of course some choose to sprint pass the very thinly drawn line and start you know..overstepping boundaries. However I don't think I need to worry about half actually drunk and half faking it drunk people making passes at me, because; you know they'd be trying to score with their crush, (not me) and thanks to their fake drunkenness they are able to tell who is who. Another thing is peer pressure and of course I don't live in an all Muslim neighbourhood, so there will be people with tattoos and dresses and skirts and they'll be doing stuff I can't do and wearing stuff I can't wear. I mean that might ignite me to do something bad or think of my 'repressing' religion. Which I don't want to happen. I love my religion, because (I think) I know it well enough to understand its only trying to protect us (girls mainly) from anything bad and it's rule on forbidding alcohol is that it may lead to overconsumption and it will lead you to do (bad) things you will regret in the morning. It's not just blindly telling us not to do things. Of course free thinkers and other people might say, 'No, I'll watch how much you drink' or 'Just one glass' I mean I know they mean well and only want to help you lol but I don't want thy to happen. And of course I don't know how to say this to her, I've only known her for a few days. So I mention my Saturday classes and how knackered I'll be but I tell her I want to go. Because I sort of do. So as usual I'm at crossroads and you know can't seem to decide between Niall Horan or Harry Styles or Logan Lerman or Skandar Keynes. Frankly I don't want to deal with either of them. Au revoir all xx love you (Katrina Safra you little ngok)

Sucky McSucker School

Good God, I have to honestly admit that I am not too fond of this place. I mean, I miss boarding school like hell. And my old boarding school is nothing like this new place, which I,not too severely, detest. It's better being alone by yourself rather than being surrounded by people whom you can't and don't want to talk to. But right now, I hate being alone more than every I'm too used to my thoughts I guess. I have just realised, I've been just missing boarding school. Everything was better there. None of us (I'm assuming) would dream of moving to an another school. KTJ was perfect for me. I had great near perfect friends there, I miss it sorely, no one could replace them. No wonderful boyfriend (hypothetical for the time being) could make me miss them less. It would've been fun for me to tell them everything that had happened. But alas, I am far away physically from them. I seem to be figuratively far from them. This is just aftermath of my paranoia and insecurity. I really believe in us being together again, but for the time being, it looks saddeningly unlikely. Does that mean I need to make new friends? There's no one I seem to like; (enough). I suppose, orientation is the really shittiest part of it all. But I didn't feel connected to the school. I got bad vibes and shit and it's just no good. I miss the greenery in KTJ the new place is one building and everything is cramped and I just want to be back in KTJ. I got a little emotional on how I would have to face college all on my own, and how I would have less time to speak to them, and how it actually rendered me briefly to tears. I got over it, and tried talking the stuff out. I realised, I had to give people chances. Some of them didn't even attempt to even talk to me, I feel like the incredible estrogenic monster in a potato sack. On to other things, they had ice breakers, all I can say is it was counter productive, everybody was closed off and especially certain people. Shy for no damn reason. And there were people called 'Ginger' and 'Virgie'. I wanted to laugh and pray for them at the same time. Oh well, there were none that caught the wandering eye. All but a few, but 'twas not near the compelling quality of my other paramours. I shouldn't think it should happen here. I should stop expecting it and focus to the real important stuff. Like acing all my exams well enough to apply for scholarships to go the UK. Or if I like economics, to the US I go! (to apply for scholarships, that is) so, I'm trying to come to terms with all I have to deal with . I need to acclimatise to the whatever it is KDU's climate is) and settle in. Work hard, and get that scholarship. I know I can and I know I will. Believe in me, God and people reading this. I hated the campus, but then again, that's not what I'll be doing, I'll be studying in the library all the time. That sounded better in my head. So I met the head of my department. He's nice. Easy to talk to. And the lady at the reception of my department. She was nice :) well, it's not all bad, weed out all the diploma and mass comm students and you have all the good people. Well, I've met some nice people on my second and third day. It's been better and I liked both my lecturers. My econs teacher is making me like econs. God bless her. And my law lecturer started off a little dodgy and odd, but he's actually quite alright. So, I guess, it's about time to get over my time at KTJ and get used to being a KDU student, and start to really open up to my new friends. They're really nice and they're quite different, which is not bad, it's good. I need different. Rant ends here. Bye all x

It's Really Up To Me Isn't It?

Rights. Now, everyone deserves rights. It's honestly horrible to know that some people think it's okay to meddle and and somehow ignore the fact that you have rights. It hurts, it embarrasses you and you're rendered with guilt. Okay, here it is, it's on hijabs. I know, it's compulsory for Muslim women and they are respected for exercising their rights. However if they decide not to wear the hijab, it is that person's right to do so. Sure, they're not doing the right thing immediately, but that doesn't make you ultimately superior nor does it grant you the permission to belittle said non hijabi to tears when she is only at the age of 10. It is not the way our religion was meant to be spread. Not and never through force. It was through your own pure intentions. I don't intend to be a hypocrite nor do I know if voicing this issue makes me one, but, I do, with full intention will one day wear the hijab. I am positive the time will come to me, and I will embrace it. For now, I shall (and I do) cover myself as far as I can. There are several factors affecting the persons decision. The culture the person was raised in, the community, the upbringing (in no way am I insulting anyone's parenting skills) and of course, the persons perspective on the issue. If one intends to encourage the non hijabi to wear one, one should ALWAYS do it with tact, for it is a sensitive topic and it's easy to go overboard. Instead of poking and diggin at them with condescending comments, one is supposed to make the person do it out of happiness and the sole intention of fulfilling ones duty as a Muslim and the fear of Allah S.W.T. However, it should never entirely be out of fear. Nothing can ever be genuine when done out of complete fear and terror. One should feel completely at peace with the decision, not clutching on to an open umbrella on a lovely day, waiting for the rain.